


My Heart Beats For You

by OhWilloTheWisp



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abduction, Angst, Beta Wanted, Blind Jensen, Bottom Jensen, Cross-Posted on LiveJournal, Dark Jared Padalecki, Dubious Consent, Dubious Morality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Hurt/Comfort, Language, M/M, Manipulation, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Non-Consensual Kissing, Not Abandoned, Obsessive Behavior, Obsessive Jared, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Sexual Content, Sociopath Jared, Stalking, Stockholm Syndrome, To be updated soon, Top Jared Padalecki, Vulnerability, dark themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-03
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2018-02-27 23:34:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2710769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhWilloTheWisp/pseuds/OhWilloTheWisp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the moment Jared sees the reclusive Jensen he knows, without a doubt that they are meant to be together forever.  And he will do whatever it takes to make that happen.</p><p>When Jensen's attempts to escape from his stalker unintentionally manages to bring them closer together the line between obsession and love starts to blur.  Soon Jensen is no longer sure if he can escape from Jared, or if he really wants to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: There will be minor character death, past trauma/abuse, and violence, but for the most part it is referenced rather than graphically described. There will be no major character death or non-con. In the end this is basically a dark, twisted love story.
> 
> The title is from a song that for the life of me I can't remember the name of.

Jensen Ackles is not lonely. To be lonely implies a desire for change. He doesn’t make connections; he doesn’t have friends or family. But he doesn’t want any of those things. He does not want to make connections; he does not want to fall in love. He was loved once, or at least he thought he was, but that was a long time ago. One terrible accident took the lives of both his parents along with his sight. The last thing he would ever see was his parents dying, right before the darkness came. No one understands, not really. His therapist thinks his inability to connect with other is because he witnessed such a traumatic event. And she is right, to a point. She thinks he is afraid to form human connections because he is afraid of experiencing that kind of loss and pain again. But that’s not strictly true. It isn’t fear that stops him. He knows something she doesn’t, the accident that killed his parent’s wasn’t an accident at all. He was a child, but he was old enough to understand. His father was behind the wheel, and his mother cried and begged, and his father had accelerated, and then there was the crash of metal and breaking glass, and blood and darkness. His father had been trying to kill them. He didn’t understand why, and he never would. He had read the police reports when he was an adult; he knew the basic why of it all. His mother had had an affair, and when his father found out about the infidelity and that Jensen wasn’t his, he killed the other man then tried to do the same to himself, Jensen’s mother, and Jensen. It was all laid out in the police report, so simple and straight forward. What he didn’t understand is why his father would choose violence and death over divorce, why take such a dark path when there were other options? Anyone who could have told him that was now dead. He never told anyone what really happened. At the time he thought if he didn’t tell, then no one would know. No one would ever know that his parents didn’t really love him. He had blamed his mother as much as his father. His father had tried to kill them all, but his mother had failed to protect him. He was sure there must have been some signs of the darker side of his father, if she really loved him she would have taken him away, left his father before it went that far. He thought if he pretended it was an accident then it would make it okay. All the people who were so nice to him, so consoling and comforting, he didn’t want them to know the truth. Even as an adult he didn’t want anyone to know. It was difficult to articulate exactly why, even to himself, it just didn’t feel right to tell anyone. It was a secret he held so deeply, such an intrinsic part of who he had become, he couldn’t bring himself to tell anyone, not even those who sought to help him heal. He wasn’t afraid of loss, he knew that he couldn't be loved. He had loved his parents, and after what had happened he couldn’t quite believe they loved him too. If they couldn’t love him, than how could anyone else?

Jensen Ackles was not lonely. He also wasn't entirely sure that he was alone.

He rarely left his apartment, but when he did he was quite sure there was someone there, following him. The walk from his apartment to the coffee shop he frequents isn’t a long one, he knows the path by heart, and knows what times to go out so as to avoid crowds. At first he didn’t think anything of it, when he heard the soft echo of footsteps keeping pace with his own. But it kept happening. Whenever he left his apartment he would feel as if he wasn’t alone, like someone was always there, always near. He didn’t really start to think anything was off until he started to receive letters from someone unknown, going on and on about how wonderful his books are, how they changed the sender’s life. He shouldn't be getting fan letters. He uses a nom de plume and no one, save his publisher and therapist even know he is the author. The whole point of writing under a pseudonym is anonymity, so how does someone know who he is and where he lives? What's worse, the letters are in braille. The dots lack the tight grouping and defined ridges of printed braille, so he can guess it is likely handwritten. Not only does the person writing the letters know where he lives, he knows that Jensen is blind. He can’t help the feeling that something is going on.  


He takes his concerns to his therapist and she is all sympathy and understanding, using her best soothing, “I know how you are feeling” therapist voice. She tells him it’s perfectly understandable that he would think something was amiss. His books, which have been called “sympathetic psychopath” novels, explore the darker side of the human psyche, exploring the motivations of characters that are intrinsically broken and deeply disturbed. Given that it makes sense that he would start to see darker intentions behind innocent acts. It’s enough at first, to make him think he is making something out of nothing. However, as time progresses, he becomes increasingly certain, someone is definitely stalking him. He has done enough research on the deeply disturbed to know that stalking, no matter how innocently it starts out, always progresses to so much more. He can’t help wondering what is going to happen when following him and sending letters is no longer enough.


	2. Chapter 2

From the moment Jared saw Jensen for the first time he knew, knew with a soul deep certainty, they were meant to be together. “Love at first sight” was too romantic comedy cliché for what he felt, it was so much deeper, so much more important than that. The moment he saw Jensen he knew they were going to be together forever.  


Jared didn’t feel things like other people did, he didn’t see the world like everyone else. He knew he was broken. He wasn’t so far gone as to not know that. He knew he wasn’t like others, like “normal” people. It had been a very long time since he felt much of anything at all. He had once, when he was very young he would laugh and play with other children, but over time his ability to feel had started to fade away. Every time his papa punished him “for his own good” he would become a little bit colder. Like a flame flickering and dying his emotions had grown weaker, and something inside him had grown darker.

His teachers had noticed something was wrong. He had been forced to talk to a child psychologist who asked him lots of questions, and made him look at splotches of ink on paper. As if the secrets to his psyche could be unlocked based on what he saw in a funny shaped black blob. He told all the carefully rehearsed lies his parent’s had told him to say. But the psychologist had looked sad when it was all over, and told Jared it was a safe place, and that he was there to help him. But no one could help him, not really. 

After that the psychologist had spoken with Jared’s parents, and they had not been happy. His mama had cried and said she just wanted Jared to be a good boy. And his papa had punished him for being different, for being wrong. He didn’t understand what he had done wrong, he just knew his parents weren’t happy with him. After that he started to try to be more like the other children. When he was out in public he would mirror their behavior, acting the part. He started to learn behaviors that came naturally to others, but not to him. He couldn’t be like everyone else, but he could pretend. He became very good at pretending.

He was 18 when he kissed a boy for the first time. He had been with girls, they would giggle and flip their hair, and when he was with them he felt nothing. Soft curves and painted lips did nothing for him. But then he met Ethan in one of his classes. He didn’t understand, not at first. He thought Ethan was just being friendly, the way he would talk to Jared after class, and run to catch up to him in the halls. Then one night everything changed. They were outside his parent’s house and Ethan told Jared he liked him, he really liked him, and then he leaned in and kissed him, soft and tentative. It was like electricity was running through his body. It wasn’t like anything he had experienced before, for the first time he really understood the appeal of human contact.

The kiss didn’t end as well as it had started. Jared’s papa caught them, and Jared had never seen him so angry before. He pushed Ethan off the porch, causing him to break his arm, not that he cared. He had dragged Jared into the house. His mama said he was possessed by a demon, and his papa said he had always known there was something wrong with him. Something broke in Jared that night, and that was the night it all changed. It was the last time his papa laid a hand on him. That was the night Jared made sure his parent’s would never hurt him again. Kissing Ethan was the last time he felt much of anything, at least anything so intense.

Since the first time he had read one of his books, Jared had known that Jensen was his soulmate. Of course, at the time he didn’t know who Jensen was. But he didn’t need to. He was enamored with the stories and captivated by the characters. Characters he could relate to. No one saw the world the way Jared did, no one. But whoever had written Undying Love certainly did, they had to, the way the characters were written with such intensity and passion. And really, isn’t that what a soulmate is, someone who sees the world the way you do? He started doing research into the books and their author. It didn’t take him long to discover “Carver Edlund” didn’t exist, it was just a Nome deplume the real author was hiding behind. It took some doing, and an afterhours visit to the publisher’s office, but in the end Jared discovered the real man behind the name.

The first time he saw Jensen was a revelation, like coming to life or waking from a dream. The man himself was so much more than Jared had ever dreamed he would be. Jensen was beautiful and broken. It became quickly apparent that Jensen had no one, no one to care for him, to protect him. There were those who would take advantage of his disability and use it against him. He needed Jared and Jensen may not have known it then, but in time he would.

Jared knew he needed to be cautious in how he approached Jensen. Someone so reclusive and private would likely be wary of anyone new entering his life. If Jared came right out and told Jensen that he loved him, and that they were soulmates, Jensen probably would not be receptive. He might even assume Jared was some kind of obsessed fan who was stalking him. No, it would take time for Jensen to see for himself how right they were together and how deeply Jared loved him. He would take his time, they would have their whole lives together, and there was no reason not to be patient. He started to get to know Jensen better, watching him, getting to know his habits, the places he went. Which wasn’t difficult, since Jensen didn’t go out much, he mostly stayed in his apartment, usually only venturing out to see his therapist, or go to a local coffee shop, occasionally meeting with his publisher. Jared did his best to stay as close to Jensen as he reasonably could, the thought of Jensen being out alone without Jared’s protection made him uneasy. In time he knew Jensen would appreciate the lengths Jared went to, to be near him, keep him safe, but for the time being he had to be careful to keep his presence a secret. He started leaving letters outside Jensen’s door, telling him how much he loved his books, what they meant to him, it was the best he could do to let Jensen get to know him better, without being too forward. He was slowly becoming more and more a part of Jensen’s life. He even attempted to talk to him on occasion, attempting to strike up conversations, in the hopes of taking the first steps towards a real relationship with Jensen. Jensen was polite but distant, always making excuses and leaving, before Jared got much past saying hello.

It had been going on like that for a few weeks before Jared started to get restless. He was trying to give Jensen the time and space he needed, he really was, but Jensen remained distant, refusing to even engage in small talk with Jared. Jared loved Jensen so much, he wanted to be more a part of the man’s life, he wanted to be near him, but Jensen just kept shutting him out.

When he was a child, someone, he doesn’t even remember who it was now, that you will know when you are really in love with someone because you will want to be so close to them it’s like you want to melt into their bones. It had stuck with him through the years, because Jared never wanted to be that close to someone. He understands the appeal of physical contact as a concept, but it has never been something he ever really longed for. But with Jensen it was different. He wanted to be near him so badly it was like a physical ache. He wanted to be with Jensen in every way possible, wanted to be close to him, to touch him. But no matter what he did, Jensen just refused to let Jared in. He refused to see how good they could be together. How could he, when Jensen wouldn’t even give Jared the time of day?

One night that would all change. He didn’t plan it; he didn’t really think it through. He was waiting outside Jensen’s building, watching the man walk home. He had to make sure Jensen got home safely, it was already dark, and it wasn’t safe for Jensen to be out alone like that. It was like any other night, but something about the way Jensen looked that night, half hidden in shadow, as beautiful as ever. Something shifted inside him, and Jared acted on pure impulse. In a few long strides he was to Jensen, and then he was touching him, pushing him into the rough brick. Jensen gasped in surprised, a look of pure terror crossing his features. Jared didn’t want to scare him, he really didn’t. He had felt so empty for so long, and he had found Jensen and everything had changed. He didn’t want to hurt him. But He just wanted to feel something. 

“Please don’t…” Jensen began in a terrified whisper, but his words were cut off when Jared put one hand to his throat. Not hard enough to hurt him, just a warning to stay quiet. He couldn’t have Jensen calling for help, that would ruin everything.

It didn’t seem quiet real, being so close to Jensen, finally being able to touch him, after waiting for so long. He felt Jensen’s pulse racing beneath his fingers, could hear his ragged breaths. He kept one hand against Jensen’s throat as he leaned in, slowly, hesitantly, until their lips touched. Jensen gasped and Jared took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, keeping it gentle as he explored Jensen’s mouth. Jensen’s body stayed tense and rigid against his, and he made no move to kiss Jared back. Frustrated, he pushed in harder, increasing the pressure of his mouth against Jensen’s, trying to get the man to kiss him back, but Jensen remained still, impassive against Jared. He didn’t move to get away, but he also didn’t move to get closer. His body stayed tense and rigged as Jared savored the contact, drawing it out. When he finally pulled away he took a moment to admire Jensen, he looked so wrecked, so beautiful. His lips were swollen and shining, from the kiss. Jared wanted so much more, but this was a huge step for them, and it was enough, for now. He moved away, giving the other man some space, Jensen didn’t miss the opportunity to stumble past Jared. Jensen’s breathing was so still ragged and movements uncoordinated as he stumbled up the stairs to his apartment building. He tripped and fell forward, hard enough that it must hurt and Jared had to fight the urge to go to him and help him up. He doubts his efforts would be appreciated right now.

Once Jensen is safely inside, Jared leans back against the building, closing his eyes as he thinks about what just happened. His entire body is alight, pleasure running through him like fire in his veins. He wonders if it effected Jensen as much as it did him. It must have, he is sure of it. Jensen is afraid right now, afraid of letting Jared close, but he is sure that Jensen feels it too, the soul deep knowing that they are meant to be together. In all his life Jared has never felt this way, never been in love before, never even felt love before. But now…now that he has found it, nothing will stop him from being with Jensen.

Jensen and him are meant to be together, forever, and he will do whatever it takes to make that happen.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was pointed out that in chapter one it didn't make sense that Jensen could "read" the letters from his stalker since he is blind. I realize that would be confusing, and I forgot to add an explanation in the chapter itself. Jensen's stalker is handwriting the letters in braille. Which is not actually that difficult to do. There are numerous websites that show exactly how to write the alphabet, words and phrases in braille. The easiest way to hand write in braille is by pushing a pencil into the back of a piece of paper, leaving bumps on the other side. This freaks Jensen out because his stalker not only knows where he lives, but he also knows that Jensen is blind. Sorry for the confusion! The first chapter has been edited to reflect this.

Jensen’s heart pounded a painful beat against his chest as he stumbled into his apartment. Adrenaline and fear made his hands shake as he slid the dead bolt and chain into place; being locked away in his home only made him feel marginally safer. He leaned back against the door, the solid coolness making him a little steadier. Fuckfuckfuckfuck, this wasn’t happening, it couldn’t be happening, not to him. Denial did nothing to make what had happened feel less real. He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down enough to think through his options. Which wasn’t hard actually, because there were none. He could call the police, but what good would that do? He knew enough to know there was nothing the police would or could do about a stalker, beyond file a report on the incident. He had no idea who his assailant was; he couldn’t even give a description of the guy, beyond that he was male, taller than Jensen, which was saying something, and strong. That didn’t exactly narrow it down. His stalker could be anyone. He could move, but what would stop his stalker from following him? It had happened before, people moving cross country to escape a stalker, only to have the same obsessed person show up in their lives again. No two ways about it, he was fucked.

A sound in the hallway had him tensing up again, his heart beating impossibly faster, as he stood still trying not to make a sound, listening to the sound of footsteps pass by his door. When he heard the sound of a key in a lock, and a door opening and shutting again, he started to relax a little. It was his direct neighbor, coming home, that was all. He felt better knowing the man in 2B was there. It quieted his unease, if only slightly, knowing that there was someone nearby.

He double and triple checked the locks, and waited a time in the silence of his apartment, half fearing that he would hear the sound of footsteps outside his door, that his stalker might be bold enough to try to follow him. But nothing happened, and intellectually he knew it likely wouldn’t. There were people around, and there was a solid locked door between him and the outside world. He was safe here, at least as safe as he ever was.

The apartment wasn’t big, but it was his. It had a basic layout of a main living area, a small kitchenette, and a loft space with a bed. He had money, he could afford much better, but he had never wanted that. The apartment fit his needs, and really, what was the point of spending money on something more. Why spend money on space he didn’t need, and couldn’t use? He didn’t have a family, he didn’t have company over, and he didn’t have friends who might stop in unexpectedly. Paying for a large rambling house filled with unused rooms would only serve as a reminder of how alone he truly was, of the life he would never have. He liked his apartment, he felt happy, comfortable. At least, as happy as someone like him could be.

Fear hardened into a sharp resentment. He hated how scared he was. His apartment was somewhere he should feel safe. He faced obstacles most people never would. Just getting by day to day was a struggle for someone like him. He was haunted by his inner demons, living in a world of darkness. That which others took for granted was difficult for him. He had to be careful in new environments, he couldn’t see obstructions right in front of him. He couldn’t even identify the many who had assaulted him. But his apartment, his home, was the one place he never had to worry. And now he was terrified, he couldn’t even feel safe here. He hated him, the nameless, faceless man. He didn’t understand why this was happening to him. He hadn’t done anything to deserve this; he certainly hadn’t done anything to encourage it. 

He can’t stop his mind from replaying what had happened. He doesn’t want to think about it, he tries to stop it, but it just keeps coming back, replaying in his mind. The pain of being forced back against the wall, fingers closing around his throat, the pressure of a warm body against his. And he had just stood there, frozen into a terrified stillness like a frightened rabbit. He hadn’t even tried to fight back. He had just stood there and let it happen, his one overriding thought was that he was going to die, and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. But his assailant hadn’t killed him, there had been lips pressed against his, in a twisted parody of an intimacy he hadn’t known for a very long time.

He didn’t understand what was going on, but he did know that his stalker was getting bolder, more confident, and he had to do something.

He couldn’t sleep, couldn’t shut his mind off, long after his heart had stopped pounding, and the overwhelming panic had receded, he still was far from being able to stop his racing thoughts. He had gone over it so many times, and he knew his options were few. Even after had decided on a course of action, it took him a long time to work up the courage to act on it. He made his way out into the hallway, feeling horribly exposed and vulnerable. He listened for any sound of approaching steps, but it was silent, the hallway empty as far as he could tell. He stopped in front of 2B his hand raised to knock, but he hesitated again, hating his indecisiveness. The police couldn’t help him, but he would feel better if someone at least knew what was going on, and 2B seemed like the logical choice. He was close enough that if something did happen Jensen could go to him for help, and from what he had heard about him 2B wasn’t the kind of guy to freeze up in a crisis, like Jensen himself, the coward that he was. 

One of the buildings other tenants, Danneel, had tried to catch his interest when he first moved in, suggesting they go out for drinks. He had admitted he really wasn’t into girls, and since then she had taken it upon herself to play matchmaker for him. She meant well and he appreciated her efforts, even if he had no interest and getting close to anyone. She was, perhaps, the closest thing to a friend that he had. She would describe every guy in their building in painstaking detail in the hopes of helping Jensen find his soulmate, not that he believed in such a ludicrous concept. If there was such a thing as a soulmate he was certain someone as broken as him would never find one.

She had described the guy in 2B, as impossibly tall, well built, and movie star good looking. Not that Jensen particularly cared about the last part. But he was certainly friendly and had made numerous attempts to strike up a conversation with him, seemingly intent on getting to know him better. But Jensen had always shut him out. It wasn’t that he wasn’t interested exactly, if he were to go out with someone then 2B is definitely the kind of guy he would pick. But it was pointless, once anyone got to know him better he was positive they wouldn’t want to have anything to do with him. Which was part of what made Jensen hesitate, standing dumbly outside 2B. He had shut down all attempts on the other man’s part to have any sort of relationship, and only now, now that Jensen needed something, he was coming round his door. It seemed manipulative somehow.

Still, what was he supposed to say? He didn’t want to draw anyone else into a dangerous situation, and he didn’t want to sound like a damsel in distress in need of someone big and strong to come to his rescue. But what other choice did he have? Wait and hope his stalker just decided to leave him alone?

With that thought in mind he forced himself to knock, only to have the door open almost immediately, “Jensen, is everything alright?” The surprise and concern is evident in the other man’s voice. Jensen does his best to force a smile, his voice embarrassingly shaky and strained, “Hey Jared, sorry to bother you. Do you mind if I come in? There’s uh…something I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Yeah of course.” He’s startled, when feels a hand against his elbow, but doesn’t pull away, as Jared guides him into the room. He can hear the click of the door being shut behind him, and it makes him feel inexplicably claustrophobic, making wonder if this had been a good idea after all. He really doesn’t know Jared. He takes a deep breath and tries to calm his jangled nerves, Jared had been nothing but friendly to him, and he really didn’t have a lot of options.

The hand on his arm is warm, and he finds the contact just a little bit comforting, almost grounding after everything that had happened. His leg brushes against something, and he reaching out his hand he can feel the soft fabric of what he must be a sofa. Jared’s hand lingers on his arm just a little longer than necessary, before it is pulled away. Once Jensen is settled, he can feel the sofa shift with a soft creak as Jared sits down.

“Are you okay? It’s…” There is a short pause and Jensen can guess Jared was checking the time, and damn, but he hadn’t even thought about how late it must be. “It’s 3AM. Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t mind the late night call. I was up anyway. But I can guess this isn’t a social call. Is everything alright? Did something happen?” Jared’s voice is tight with concern, and Jensen feels a fresh wave of guilt over involving him in this. This is Jensen’s problem, not Jared’s. Still, he has come too far to turn back now. After coming to Jared in the middle of the night, he can hardly leave without an explanation.

“I’m sorry for bothering you; I hadn’t realized how late it is. I shouldn’t even be involving you in this in the first place. It’s just that…” He can’t bring himself to continue. This is all so messed up, he doesn’t want to sound like he can’t take care of himself. But he doesn’t want his pride to get in the way of seeking out help when he really needs it.

“Jensen, it’s fine. Whatever it is, you can talk to me. Just…trust me.” With that Jared puts a hand on Jensen’s knee, gently, unobtrusively. And there is something about Jared that seems so sincere. He really feels like he can trust Jared. Or maybe he just really wants to believe there is someone who can help him.

He tells Jared everything, the letters, the strange feeling that someone is always there, following him, even what had happened earlier that night. Though he balks at admitting everything, stating instead, that his stalker grabbed him outside their building, omitting what happened next. Jared listens without comment, and once he is done Jensen braces himself for someone else to tell him that he is crazy, or paranoid, or making a big deal out of nothing.

“Fuck. Jensen…I’m so sorry.” Jared’s voice is soft, and heavy with sympathy. He feels something unwind inside him, like he can finally breathe. Jared believes him; someone is finally taking him seriously.

“I’m really sorry to involve you in this, I just didn’t know what else to do, but after tonight I thought I had to do something.”

“Have you gone to the police?” Jared asks.

“No, not yet. I just figured there was no point. I can’t exactly identify the guy, and even if I could describe him, I don’t think there is anything the police could do. I don’t know, maybe I should, just to be safe.”

“No, you’re right. There is no point. No reason to get them involved, not with something like this. You did the right thing, coming to me. I just wish you had opened up to me before now. If you had just come to me before it may have never progressed to this point.” As he speaks Jared starts to rub circles into Jensen’s leg, in an obvious bid to comfort him.

“Look, why don’t I come over tonight. I can stay at your place tonight, that way you don’t have to worry. I can guarantee nothing will happen as long as I’m around. You’re safe with me, I promise.” Based on everything he has heard about Jared, combined with the man’s obvious easy confidence, Jensen has no trouble believing that. Jared seems like the kind of guy people wouldn’t mess with.

“Yeah, alright. That would be great actually. Are you sure you don’t mind?” He tries to keep his voice even, but he can’t help sounding uncertain. It’s hard to believe anyone would really want to go out of their way to help him. 

“I’m positive. Believe me Jensen; I would never forgive myself if anything happened to you.”

~*~*~*~*~

Sleep doesn’t come easily. He feels better, safer, with Jared around. But Jensen stills ends up lying awake in bed. In the stillness of the night he can hear Jared shifting, where he is bedded down on Jensen’s sofa. It’s a nice enough sofa, but it still can’t be entirely comfortable for someone of Jared’s size. He can’t help wondering if Jared is lying awake like he is, or if he is just moving in his sleep. As relieved as he is to have Jared staying with him it’s still a strange feeling having someone else so close. It has been a long time since he has slept this close to someone, in any capacity.

Images flash through his mind, strong arms encircling him, lips pressed against his. He tries to push it away, he tries to make his mind a blank, but it keeps coming back. So he focuses instead on Jared, his steady strong presence, the feeling of his hand against his leg. Danneel had seemed certain that he and Jared would be perfect together. He wonders if Jared is really gay, or if Danneel was just blindly pushing Jensen towards him in the hopes it would work out. He shuts down that line of thought. His life is already complicated enough, he certainly doesn’t need to do anything to make it any worse. Jensen turns over onto his side so that he is facing the wall. The adrenaline has finally faded, leaving him feeling shaken and empty. He doesn’t know what time it is that he finally falls asleep.

~*~*~*~*~

He awakens to the sound of someone moving around, and the smell of bacon cooking. He experiences a momentary feeling of panic, before his sleep addled brain clears and he remembers the events of the night before, and why someone is in his apartment. It’s strange to wake up knowing he’s not alone, then again, this whole situation is strange. He checks the time, and the voice on his alarm clock informs him it’s 12:06PM. He feels anxiety clawing at him again, it’s Saturday and he starts to wonder what he will do come Monday. He can’t expect Jared to just stick around forever. When Jared has to go to work, that means Jensen will be left alone again. There are others in his building of course, but Jared is the only one, besides Danneel who has even made any attempt to really talk to Jensen. Not that he can blame them. Jensen knows he is deeply and fundamentally broken, on some level he thinks others can sense it. If he did suddenly disappear he wonders if anyone would even notice or really care. He disentangles himself from his sheets that he managed to entwine around himself in his sleep, and makes his way down the short stairs towards the kitchen where he knows Jared is and sits down at the small table in the space between the kitchen and living area.

“Morning! How you feelin’?” Jared certainly sounds happy, must be a morning person. Jensen really hates morning people. 

“Not bad,” he replies gruffly. Then, not wanting to seem rude adds, “How did you sleep? I hope the sofa wasn’t too uncomfortable.”

Jared chuckles, the sound soft and warm, his voice affectionate when he answers, “It’s surprisingly comfortable. A little cramped, but I don’t really mind. I have slept in much stranger places.”

Jensen really wants a follow up on that, and to know exactly where Jared has slept that was so strange, but he is distracted by the clink of a plate being set down in front of him. It smells like heaven. He rarely bothers to cook for himself, generally preferring the convenience of ordering in.

“You really didn’t have to cook. You have already been more than kind with everything, I certainly didn’t expect you to make breakfast.” 

“I really didn’t mind,” Jared replies, his chair scrapes as he sits down, “besides, I needed something to do. I wasn’t sure you were ever going to get up. Not that I’m criticizing, it was a strange night, I’m not surprised you slept in.”

The events from the night before seem surreal, like something from a movie, not something that really happened to him. Jensen finds himself at somewhat of a loss as to what to say. This is more social interaction than he has had in some time, and he isn’t sure what to do with himself. Should they talk about the whole stalker thing, or is it better to avoid the subject? As the silence stretches out he feels like he should say something so he decides to stick to safe ground.

“So…Jared, what do you do for a living?” He takes a bite of the eggs from his plate, and the flavor is perfect. Strong, protective, and an amazing cook, Jared might just be the perfect man.

There was another huff of laughter from the other man, “What’s so funny?” Jensen asked, taken aback.

“You. You don’t have to do this, you know. I don’t mind hanging out, you don’t need to make awkward small talk. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to get to you know you better, but you’re so tense. You’re acting like we’re on a first date. Just relax, you don’t need to act a certain way around me.”

Jensen tries to ignore the small thrill he feels at the word “date.” Jared is right, he isn’t used to talking to people for any length of time, and he is sure it shows. But the combination of the events of the previous night, along with having someone, and not just anyone, but Jared in his apartment, it was pretty much impossible for him to really relax.

He sighs, “Sorry, I’m not really great at…” he gestures vaguely between the two of them. “Small talk?” Jared guesses. Actually, he had meant social of interaction of any kind. He doesn’t correct Jared’s assumption, nodding instead.

“It’s okay, I’ve never been a big fan of small talk. It always seemed so trite and pointless,” Jared replies, “I work in tech support, by the way. I work freelance, which means I can work from home. It’s usually pretty interesting, and I like that I can work from anywhere. Working 9-5, tied down in an office has never really suited me.”  
Jensen could certainly understand that, it was part of what appealed to him about being a writer. He could avoid social interaction for the most part, and he liked the freedom that came with it. He like not having to answer directly to someone else on a daily basis.

“So, what do you do?” Jared’s question had Jensen freezing. He inwardly kicked himself for having brought up the subject in the first place. Of course Jared wanted to know, why wouldn’t he? He didn’t know what to say, he had never been a good liar, but he didn’t exactly want to tell him the truth. The whole point of using a fake name for his books was so no one would know who he was. He sighed inwardly, he was acting like he had a secret identity, like he was batman, not the writer of dark novels. He knew the silence was stretching out longer than was reasonable for such a simple question.

“These eggs are really good. What did you do to make them taste like this?” He asked, hoping it would be enough of a distraction to change the subject.

There was a short silence then, “You know, when you try to avoid talking about your occupation, it makes you sound like you’re a prostitute, or drug deal…or both. Besides, it’s not like you have anything to be embarrassed about. I’ve read everything you’ve written, you’re an amazing writer.”

A chill runs down Jensen’s spine, “How did you know that?” he asks, voice cold and flat. How the Hell could Jared possibly know he is a writer, no one knows that.  
“Sorry, I should have been upfront with you from the beginning.” His voice sounds genuinely sheepish and guilty, but it does nothing to abate Jensen’s disquiet. “I didn’t want to say anything because I knew how creepy that would sound,” Jared continues, “I was hoping you would just tell me yourself, so I wouldn’t have to admit that I already knew. I heard you talking to your publisher shortly after I moved in. Not that I was eavesdropping or anything,” Jared’s words are rushed as he tries to explain, “but you know how thin these walls are. I didn’t hear much, just enough to catch the title of the latest book, that sort of thing. I’ve been a huge fan of your work for a long time, and I wanted to say something right away, but you obviously don’t want anyone to know, and I didn’t want to come across as a creepy-stalker or something.”

Jensen had never really noticed the walls being particularly thin, but then his apartment was at the end of the hall, Jared was his only neighbor, and he supposed Jared just wasn’t the type to make a lot of noise. It made sense really and his unease abated, replaced by guilt. Jared was practically a stranger, and he had agreed to stay with Jensen to protect him from potential danger. And Jensen had immediately become suspicious and distrustful of him, the least he could have done was to give Jared the benefit of the doubt.  
Jensen rushes to apologize, feeling horrible over his reaction, “I’m really sorry. I should have figured it was something like that. The books are so dark, I guess I just hate for anyone to know about that part of my life. You know how people are, the line between fantasy and reality can blur. I have read reviews where people think if something is said in a book it means it’s a direct reflection of the author’s opinion, and I don’t want anyone think I’m like that, that my books are a reflection of who I am. But I shouldn’t have been so suspicious; you have been more than kind.”

“Don’t worry about it, I should have just told you from the start. So…do you have anything new in the works?”

Jensen can’t help smiling, it feels good actually, to be able to talk to someone about his work. It’s nice to know Jared knows and doesn’t see him differently because of it.  
After that he starts relaxing around Jared. He is easy to talk to, and Jensen finds himself enjoying his presence. He doesn’t ask about Jensen’s family or how he lost his sight. Not that those would be unreasonable questions, but for him they would mean bringing up painful memories he would rather not revisit. Jared sticks around until Monday, and then only leaves to do his from-home work, in the evening he returns to spend time with Jensen. The rest of the week progresses in a similar fashion. Every evening Jared comes around and while it’s a little overwhelming having someone around so much, after being alone for so long, Jensen finds himself missing Jared whenever he is away. There is no further sign from his stalker, the letters stop altogether. Jensen isn’t sure why exactly; he figures it’s possible that Jared’s presence was enough to scare of whoever was so obsessed with him. But honestly, he doesn’t care why. All that matters is that it stops, and Jensen can breathe easy. He is still careful, he doesn’t leave the safety of his home unless Jared is with him, not that that is a hardship by any means. Jared quickly becomes a calming, steady presence in his life.

It is two weeks since Jensen first asked Jared to come over, and there has been no further sign from his stalker. They are sitting on the sofa in Jensen’s apartment; Jared had brought over a visually impaired version of A Clockwork Orange. The narrator’s voice describes the important action that Jensen can’t see, but really he isn’t paying much attention to the movie, letting it become background noise. He can’t help thinking about how much his life has changed in just two weeks. It has gone from one of fear and constant anxiety to something so easy and comfortable. He feels the sofa shift and creak, and then Jared is so close, one hand closing gently under his jaw as Jared turns Jensen towards him. He can feel the warmth of his breath as he leans in, and then soft lips are against his, with the barest pressure. Jensen reacts without thought, pulling away, and the hand under his jaw releases immediately. It isn’t that he doesn’t want this, he does. He has never wanted anyone the way he wants Jared. But something dark and ugly twists inside him, reminding that Jared is too perfect, he can’t possibly want someone like Jensen. Jared may be fooled now, but in time he will see the truth, he will see exactly how dark and messed up Jensen really is. Jared could have anyone. Why would he want someone like Jensen, imperfect and damaged as he is? But maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe Jensen can’t be loved, and maybe Jared will come to his senses eventually, but for now, he wants Jensen, wants to be with him. Jensen will take what he can get. 

He reaches out to touch Jared, sliding his fingers into his long hair, he leans forward, feeling Jared do the same. Jared’s lips brush his again, just the faintest touch, and Jensen leans in, deepening the kiss.

Maybe they won’t be together forever, but at least they can have one night.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating for so long. I just moved and haven't had a lot of time to write. Moving in winter is not an experience I would like to repeat, on the day I was supposed to move there was snow AND freezing rain. :S 
> 
> Sometimes real life gets in the way, but I can honestly say I will never abandon a story. I will try and update this more regularly going forward, but fair warning, how fast I can update this will partly depend on how fast I can finish my Big Bang.
> 
> All feedback is welcome, if anything doesn't make sense please let me know so I can correct it!

Losing one’s mind is a singular experience in that it is both a long slow process and shockingly sudden. The phrase “a descent into madness” is rather fitting. It’s like falling from a great height, the outcome is inevitable and even if you know what’s coming, hitting the ground still feels like being broken apart. Jared remembers the night he finally broke. A mind, fragile from years of abuse, finally cracked allowing something precious and vital to drain away. But with it came a change. It was like a veil had been lifted from his eyes and he could see clearly for the first time in his life. His parents were monsters, huge gaping maws full of jagged teeth waiting to consume him whole. Sentiment and sanity had clouded his visions for too long, but no more. He could see people for who and what they really are in a way that others could not. He could see them stripped of all pretense and lies to what was lying beneath. He could see the monsters and demons that lay beneath false smiles and pretty faces. Most people were nothing, they didn’t matter. Beatles scuttling along, living their pointless live. They were one more in a sea of faces and meaninglessness and nothing else. Then he had met Jensen, and everything changed. Jensen mattered. He was a light in the darkness, shining as bright as a star in the night. Jensen was beautiful in his brokenness. Most people wouldn’t see him for what he really was. They wouldn’t spare him a second glance and if they did, all they would see was what made him, in their eyes, imperfect. That made Jared’s presence in his life all the more important. Jensen may not have been able to see it at first but he needs Jared as much Jared needs him.

They had been growing closer, and day by day Jared had seen Jensen become more at ease around him. Jensen had yet to open up to him, skirting past any issue that were too personal or too painful, and he had yet to admit that he had feelings for Jared. But that was okay, Jensen was becoming more comfortable with him, and that was the important part. They would have their whole lives to together; there would be plenty of time for Jensen to open up to him down the road. Jensen may still be putting up walls, shutting Jared out, but he is finally giving himself over to their shared desire. He had been cautious these past few weeks, making sure not to do anything that might scare Jensen off again. It was like a slow burn every time he was near Jensen he wanted to jump the man so badly he ached with the need, but he would go slow if that was what Jensen needed. He wouldn’t make the same mistake he did when he kissed him the first time, he wouldn’t push for too much too soon. He would wait as long as it took for Jensen to be ready for more. It had gotten to the point that he was pretty sure if he didn’t make the first move nothing would ever happen, and he only has so much willpower. When he had kissed Jensen and the man had pulled away he had thought that was it, Jensen still wasn’t ready. But then like a fucking miracle he had started to kiss him back. He feels like a teenager, desperate to be closer to Jensen, and feeling like he can’t get close enough. He pushes the other man back, angling their bodies so Jensen is lying on his back on the sofa. Jensen’s hands are gripping Jared’s back like he feared the man might leave if he doesn’t hold on tight enough.

Their clothes fall to the floor forgotten and soon Jared is over Jensen, looking down at the man he loved so dearly. Seeing Jensen laid bare like this stirs something inside him. Jensen belongs to him and this is a sight for him and him alone. No one other than him would ever see Jensen so open and vulnerable. Scars are etched into his perfect features, like cracks in a stained glass window. He wants to learn every curve and line of the man’s body. The scars do nothing to take away from Jensen’s flawless beauty. Rather they added depth that mirror the life he has led, a physical reflection of his past. Jensen is perfect in his broken beauty. Jared traces his finger along one that runs along his jaw and can feel Jensen pull away. “I know I’m not…” Jensen’s voice is soft and apologetic, but Jared doesn’t let him continue with whatever self-depreciating sentiment he was going to express, shushing him instead. He kisses along the scar on his jaw, “You’re beautiful Jensen…so beautiful.” He whispered the words, soft and intimate knowing Jensen didn’t really believe it, but someday he would. He runs his hands over Jensen’s body, mapping out each scar, wanting to touch every inch of exposed flesh. Causing the man beneath him to moan and push up into every touch, eager and desperate for even the slightest caress. Jared pulls the condoms and lube from his pocket. He had been hoping that this is the way the evening would go. He slides one well lubed finger inside, working it in and out slowly, before adding a second. The buildup is almost painful, he has wanted this so badly, wanted to be inside Jensen more than he had wanted anything before. But he wouldn’t risk causing any pain to the man he loves. Once he feels like Jensen is ready for him he puts on the condom and slowly, achingly slowly, rocks into Jensen. He stills reveling in the tight heat before slowly rocking his hips. He wants to live in this moment forever, draw out every moment of pleasure. But he can already feel that it will be over far too soon. After wanting and needing for so long, to finally have Jensen fully and completely, he would only be able to make it last for so long. He takes Jensen in hand working him at a counter rhythm to his thrusts, until Jensen’s hips buck up and he is coming. Seeing Jensen writhing in pleasure, moaning Jared’s name is too much and he follows Jensen over the edge. He collapses forward; the only sound that of their breathing.  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
Jared woke up with Jensen wrapped in his arms. He looked so peaceful like this, all the worry and tension gone from his expression. Jared tightened his hold, protectively pulling Jensen into him. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was, to finally, finally, have Jensen in his arms like this. This was all he had ever wanted, to be with Jensen, to be near him and to be able to keep him safe.

That first night, after everything had changed and Jensen came to him, it had been painful for both of them. Finding out exactly how Jensen saw him had been brutal, like a knife through his heart. He hated the pain he had caused Jensen, no matter how unintentionally. The letters were never meant to scare him. He just wanted the man to know how devoted he was, how much Jensen and his books meant to him. He had never wanted Jensen to feel unsafe. That night had been a wakeup call. Jensen had come to him for protection, afraid of him, the last person in the world Jensen should be afraid of. But he understood his mistake now and he was grateful to the fates to have the opportunity to make up for it. Jared could see it now, the reason why Jensen had pulled away, shown no interest in the person behind the letters. Jensen didn’t need a nameless faceless fan, fawning over him with empty adoration. Jensen had those who loved his work and may even believe they loved him as an extension of his writing. But if Jensen cared about that, about fame or adoration, he never would have started publishing his books anonymously. What he needed was something deeper, more real. He needed to know that he was safe and loved, loved for him not his fame or his works. He needed someone in his life to protect him, to be there for him, someone who would accept him no matter what. In the past two weeks Jared had spent with him Jared could see the pain in his soul. He had been surprised that Jared was willing to stick around and help him. Jensen didn’t think he was good enough to be loved. He needed unconditional love, not blind devotion. Jared had been wrong in his approach the first time, not that he could argue with the results. He had gotten everything he had ever wanted, Jensen in his life and in his bed. But he had still made a mistake, and he could make it right. He could be there for Jensen, be what Jensen needed, just as he was what Jared needed.

He felt the other man shift, his breathing changing, signaling that he was waking up. Jensen tensed up briefly and then relaxed into Jared’s arms. Jared brushed his lips across his jaw and down his throat, as Jensen turned his head to the side to give Jared more access. Jensen’s voice was still sleep rough as he spoke, “I was afraid you wouldn’t be here when I woke up.” Jared couldn’t say he was entirely surprised, based on what he had seen of Jensen so far. “I’m not going anywhere,” he assured. It would take time for Jensen to see that Jared would always be there for him, no matter what.

He pressed a soft kiss to Jensen’s shoulder, reveling in the feel of having the other man so close. 

“Jared, what color are your eyes?”

“Brown.”

“Just brown, can’t do any better than that?”

“Ummm…Hazel?” He has never been the poetic type, preferring actions to words. He puts a gentle pressure on Jensen’s shoulder, and the other man lets himself be turned onto his back. Jared kisses him then, slow and deep, tongues tangling. Jensen breaks the kiss then and begins running his fingertips over Jared’s face, over the ridge of his cheek, along his jaw, “I wish that I could see you.” Jared wishes that too. He knows how complicated it can make Jensen’s life to be blind. But his disability only makes Jared admire and love him all the more.

“Sight is over rated,” Jared says, as he rolls his hips against Jensen,“touch is all that matters.” He proceeds to show Jensen exactly what he means.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Jared would have been happy to spend all day in bed, but Jensen suggested they go out for breakfast. Jared certainly isn’t going to say no him, especially not when it comes to such a simple request. He decides to take him somewhere new, a restaurant he had seen before but never been too. It’s farther from their apartment than Jensen usually goes, and he figures Jensen might enjoy going somewhere new. Once at the restaurant he keeps his hand on Jensen’s arm while they walk, holding the door open for him and then guiding him to a booth. He knows it’s not necessary; Jensen has made his way around by himself long before Jared came into his life. But Jared likes being close to him and knowing he is helping him even such a small way. It’s a hard line to walk; he wants to help Jensen in whatever way he might need. But he also knows Jensen has been living on his own for some time and he doesn’t want to come across as patronizing, as if Jensen is incapable of doing anything for himself.

Once they are seated a waiter approaches with menus and silverware, he introduces himself and starts going through the specials. His tone stays light and friendly but his eyes linger on Jensen. Jared can’t be sure if it’s because the sunglasses and cane indicate that he is blind or the scars that cut across his face. Either way he is staring at Jensen as if he is a circus freak. It’s as if the fact that Jensen can’t see him staring makes it okay. He feels anger rising inside of him and his fingers close around his knife. Jensen thanks the waiter and Jared forces himself to relax his grip. Stabbing the waiter with a butter knife will not help anything, even if it would make Jared feel better. But he sure as Hell isn’t going to leave him a tip.

Once the waiter leaves, whose name Jared didn’t pay attention to because he doesn’t matter, Jared explains various menu items to Jensen. While he talks, he presses his knee against Jensen’s, and is gratified when Jensen doesn’t move his leg away. Jared couldn’t remember ever having felt this relaxed around another person. His “relationships” in the past had been primarily physical and usually only lasted long enough for him to get what he wanted. It’s not that didn’t have opportunities for relationships. He was good looking with a kind of charisma that comes from being free of a moral code that precluded lying. He can be whatever he needs to be without the lingering guilt that others are burdened with. He isn’t like others but years of practice meant he could certainly fake it well enough to fool anyone. He just hasn’t been interested in anyone beyond what he needs from them. He had no interest in his partners, just a warm body beneath him. 

He had even on occasion gone through the motions of pretending he felt something more for someone, playing the part of the loving boyfriend, going out to breakfast, meeting the parents. He liked to think of it like an experiment, just to see if he could, but there was some part of him that wanted it to be something more. He remembered what it was like before he broke, before he became cold. And some part of him wanted that back. It was like people who return to a place they visited as a child, thinking they can recreate that cherished memory. He wanted to feel normal again, to feel something deep and real. But he was always left feeling cold and empty.

But being with Jensen was different; Jared wanted to be with him. Jensen filled in the missing pieces in him, made him feel complete for the first time in so very long.

The waiter interrupted his thoughts to ask if they were ready to order and he had the decency to not stare this time. Perhaps he had remembered his manners or perhaps he had picked up on Jared’s displeasure. Once Jensen was done ordering, Jared told the waiter he would have what Jensen was having.

Once the waiter was out of earshot, Jensen leaned forward, keeping his voice low so as to not be overheard. “I, uh, wanted to thank you. For everything you’ve done, you know, these last few weeks. I don’t know what I would have done without you there. I know not going to the cops about the stalker was very horror movie cliché. And I probably should have when I realized something was off. But I have done enough research for my books to know it wouldn’t have made a difference. It’s not like on TV, there isn’t anything the police can do about something like that. Most people who have a stalker never go to the police, and that’s why. Filing a police report isn’t exactly going to do much to stop a stalker. I couldn’t get a restraining order, since I didn’t know who it was. You didn’t have to stick around so long and I really appreciate that you did.”

Jared reached out and took Jensen’s hand in his own, rubbing soothing circles into his palm. This wasn’t the first time Jensen had felt the need to thank Jared or to try to justify his decisions to go to him for help. He hated that this issue kept coming back up. Jensen didn’t have anything to fear, he never did. Jared had made a mistake in the way he approached Jensen, he knew that now, but Jensen had never been in any real danger. “I told you, you don’t have to keep apologizing for coming to me. I’m glad you did by the way. You did the right thing, believe me. Besides, I think everything worked out for the best, wouldn’t you say?”  


That elicited a smile from the other man, “yeah I guess it did.” Jared leaned across the table, pulling Jensen forward into a soft kiss. When he pulled back, he was satisfied to see other diners looking at them surreptitiously. Good, he wanted everyone to know that Jensen was his. Jensen looked flushed and a bit embarrassed, as he sat back, trying to act like nothing had happened. It was sweet really, he liked that Jensen was a little shy.

The waiter came back then with their food then and Jensen thanked the man, then went about arranging the plate, glass, and silver wear so he could know where everything was without having to search for it. 

Jared looked down at his own food, blueberry pancakes, bacon, hash browns, eggs over easy. He filed it away for later. He had been trying to get a feel for the kind of food Jensen liked, since he would be spending more time with the man and that would mean cooking for him.

He felt a twist of guilt in his guilt as he thought about what Jensen had said, apologizing again for involving Jared in all of this. Not all the feelings that had been reawakened in him since meeting Jensen were pleasant. Guilt was one he was unaccustomed to and it was not entirely welcome.

“Jensen, you don’t need to worry anymore. I won’t let anyone hurt you. You will always be safe with me. You don’t need to feel bad for coming to me for help. Besides, you said yourself the letters stopped, and there hasn’t been any sign of your “stalker” in the last two weeks.”

A shadow of apprehension crossed Jensen’s face at that and Jared wanted so badly to make that anxiety disappear. “I know, and I want to believe it’s all over, I do. But, I don’t know, I just can’t believe that’s it. These things don’t just end. Whoever it was, was obsessed with me, why would someone like that, someone who had been following me for months, just stop out of the blue? I can’t help feeling like I’m missing something. I can’t get rid of this feeling, like there is something more going on right in front of me and I’m too blind to see it.”

Jared felt a twist of guilt in his gut at Jensen’s words. He still was under the impression that he had pulled Jared into a dangerous situation. He knew he was going to have to do the right thing – he was going to have to tell Jensen everything. That he had been the “stalker,” that he had written the letters, all of it. A part of him just wanted to let things continue as they were now. But he knew he had to be honest. He needed to put Jensen’s mind at ease, let him know there wasn’t anything sinister going on. This wasn’t the time or the place he wasn’t going to bear his soul in a restaurant. He would wait until they were alone and then admit everything.

For the time being he tries to steer the conversation in another direction while they eat. “How’s your latest book coming? Gonna let me read it yet?” It’s a shame Jensen can’t see, it’s so much easier to get what he wants when he can flash an irresistible smile. He has been bugging Jensen to let me him read his most recent work, but to no avail. He has read every blessed word the man has ever written and it’s killing him knowing there is more in the works and he hasn’t seen it yet.  
Jensen shrugs, “I’m thinking about scrapping it. It’s not all that good. The characters are flat and the whole thing feels cliché and trite. It’s just not coming together the way I wanted it to.”

“I have trouble believing you could write anything that wasn’t amazing.”

“You’re sweet, a liar, but sweet. Honestly, it just feels like I’m rewriting the same things I have already written with a slightly different theme. I think it’s the whole stalker thing; it’s thrown me through a loop. It’s one thing to write about psychopaths and abductions but actually living through something like that is completely different. In comparison the fiction feels so lackluster and dull.”

“Why don’t you tell me about it? I’m not a writer but sometimes talking about it can help.”  


Jensen’s voice is skeptical when he replies, “You don’t really want to hear about this.”

“Believe me Jensen, there isn’t anything about you that I don’t want to know.”  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
When the check comes Jared tries to take it but Jensen beats him to it. “I can get it, let me pay” Jared is quick to offer.

“It’s alright, I’ve got it. You’ve done more than enough already.” Jensen replies, placing a card down on the bill for the waiter to take. No way is Jared going to let Jensen pay, he is going to take care of Jensen, whether he knows it or not. He thanks Jensen for paying but still switches out his card for Jensen’s. He knows the waiter sees but the man has the good sense to keep his mouth shut.

After breakfast Jared takes Jensen to a nearby park. There is plenty of space to walk and trees all around. It’s a beautiful spot and while Jensen won’t be able to fully appreciate it, he figures he will still enjoy being out somewhere different. Since Jensen generally only goes to places he can walk to, Jared figures that Jensen will enjoy being out away from the noise and crowds of the city. For his part, Jared hates living in the city…so many buildings and cars and people…just so much happening all around. It makes him feel at once claustrophobic and exposed. Crowds are hard for him, being surrounded by so many people makes him nervous, watching them go about their lives like insects swarming. It’s so much harder to see where the danger lurks, who might mean him harm and more to the point – who might mean Jensen harm. He doesn’t like Jensen living in the city; it makes it all the harder to protect him. Soon though it won’t be a problem, he and Jensen will leave it all behind. He is sure Jensen will be much happier living in a place where he isn’t surrounded by others all the time. And Jared will rest easier knowing he has Jensen all to himself, not having to worry so much about who and what might be around to cause Jensen harm. But before that can happen, before he and Jensen can start their life together properly he needs to be honest with the man. Lying to Jensen had been unavoidable in the beginning. He had gotten the wrong idea about Jared and what he was trying to do, mistaking his devotion for something darker. But since then he had been careful not to be anything but honest. It was no longer necessary to keep hiding the truth from the other man, of that he was certain. He wasn’t romantic enough to confuse sex with love but what he and Jensen had was real and eternal. What had happened the night before went to prove that Jensen was no longer trying to run from what he felt for Jared. Jared wanted to know everything about him, with nothing held back and in return he wanted to share everything with Jensen. He wanted to be laid bare, he wanted Jensen to know every last secret, to know his very soul.  


In the past there had been a time when he was foolish enough to confide in people he thought he could trust. He would make the mistake of talking about his “problem.” And each every time he had been rejected, treated like he was something abhorrent or to be feared, as if it was HIS fault that he wasn’t quite like everyone else. But he knew it would be different with Jensen, he would accept Jared for who and what he was. Jensen saw the world the way he did, unlike anyone he had met before and Jensen was all that mattered now. Even the slightest touch had his heart racing, when they weren’t together he felt the loss of his presence like something vital had been taken from him. If that wasn’t love, he didn’t know what was. Since the moment he had first read one of Jensen’s books his life had changed, inexorably and forever. It was as if for the first time in his life he was whole and unbroken. Jensen fit into his life so perfectly it was like he was the other half of his soul that he hadn’t even known he had been missing.

They walked along in silence, enjoying the quiet peace of the day. Jared slid his hand into Jensen’s and the other man intertwined their fingers as they walked. He doesn’t know what he did to deserve to be with someone like Jensen, but he will always be grateful to have him in his life. He guides them over to a bench and sits pulling Jensen down with him. He takes a deep breath, trying to steady himself, Jensen’s hand still in his own. He has been thinking about this for some time. It’s hard to know exactly how to say everything that he wants to say. He has gone over in it is head again and again until the words feel well worn. But now, here, everything he had carefully planned out leaves him. This is important, Jensen is important, and there’s a weight to confessing, letting Jensen see a side of him that precious few ever had. Others couldn’t see the world the way he did, they couldn’t see the truth. Few really knew what it meant to love someone body soul. To love them so completely and absolutely that you would do anything to be with them. Many said those very words until they became cliché and overused. But few really, truly meant it. Few were capable of feeling as deeply as he did, as he knew Jensen did.

“Jensen…there’s something I need to tell you.” Nothing for it now but to just say.

“That sounds ominous,” Jensen said, his tone light, belying his words.

“I’ve never felt this way before. Being with you has been like a dream and if it is then I never want to wake up.” 

Jensen squeezed his hand, “I feel the same way Jared. It may not have been the ideal way to meet, but I am so glad I have you in my life. Who would have thought being stalked could turn out so well?”

“That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. It’s been a long time since I have been as happy as I have been with you. It’s actually been a long time since I’ve felt much of anything at all. But I’m getting a head of myself. The truth is there never was a “stalker” that was all a big misunderstanding.”

Jensen shook his head, confusion written in his features. “Jay, I don’t understand. What do you mean ‘misunderstanding’?”

“I was the one sending you the letters. I didn’t mean for it to be creepy or anything. I just loved your books so much I really wanted you to know how much they, and you, meant to me. I didn’t realize you would think you were being stalked. I had seen you around and I kept trying to get to know you but you kept shutting me out. I just needed you to know how I felt.”

There was a long tense pause after his admission before Jensen finally spoke, “why didn’t you say anything before now? And how did you know where I lived? I started getting letters before you moved into the building.” There was a dark edge to his voice that Jared didn’t understand; he couldn’t possibly still be suspicious of Jared’s intentions, could he?

“From the first moment I read your work I was addicted. I knew I had found someone who saw the world the way I do. And when I read Undying Love I knew, I just knew that I had found my soulmate. No one knows real love, they only think they do, but I can tell that you know what love is really all about. I know I should have said something straight away but I wanted to get to know you first. I didn’t want to come on too strong too fast and end up scaring you off. I know that you had been hurt in the past and after what happened with your parents it’s no wonder you would want to keep people from getting too close. I knew if you got to know me you would understand that we are meant to be together.”

For some reason his confession is making Jensen more agitated; apparently doing nothing to dispel the dark suspicion hanging over Jensen like a shroud. Jensen jumps to his feet shaking his head, “No. No, you can’t know about my parents. No one knows that. Not you. You can’t be my stalker, you just can’t. This can’t be happening.” He seems to be speaking to himself as step by step he moves away from Jared.

Jared feels he is doing an admirable job keeping his anger under control despite Jensen’s reaction. He knew this conversation might be awkward, and he wouldn’t have faulted Jensen for being upset that Jared had been keeping something from him. But this was different. Jensen is acting like he is a monster, like Jared is some kind of obsessive stalker. He tries to keep his tone neutral but can’t help the sharp edge bleeding through, “Jensen, calm down. You’re overreacting. Nothing’s changed. I should have been honest with you from the get-go but that doesn’t change what we have.”

“Nothing’s changed?! You’re a fucking psychopath who has been stalking me! I thought you were a good guy, I thought we had a future together. But no, all this has been some kind of sick mind game.” Jensen’s close to shouting now as he continues to move away from Jared. He doesn’t have his cane with him and he isn’t that familiar with the area but getting away from Jared is taking priority over the potential danger. And that right there pisses Jared off more than anything else. He loves Jensen and he has accepted the man completely, flaws and all. And all he was trying to do was be honest with him and now Jensen is acting like all that matters to him is getting as far away from Jared as possible.

He feels like he has woken from a beautiful dream to a dark reality. He can’t have been wrong about Jensen, he just can’t. Without conscious thought he is standing and advancing towards Jensen. Almost without him realizing it’s happening one hand is wrapped around Jensen’s throat, not hard enough to cut off his air, but enough to let him know that he could. The threat of violence unfulfilled. Jensen’s hands scrabble at Jared’s while he tries hard to pull away. Jared grabs one of Jensen’s wrists with his free hand pulling it back down. His grip tightens with a bruising force and a part of him wants to hurt Jensen. Hurt Jensen as badly as Jensen hurt him. It feels like his heart has been ripped out. His thoughts are racing and he can’t make sense of it. How could Jensen be so cruel, treating him like something abhorrent?

“Jared please…”

“I’m not a monster. How can say what we have isn’t real? We’re meant to be together, can’t you see that?” his voice sounds broken and desperate even to himself. He can’t think clearly, the pain and anger clouding his thoughts. He can’t quite make sense of it, why won’t Jensen believe him that he never meant any harm? Why can’t Jensen see that everything Jared has done as been out of love? One clear thought cuts through the rest. He needs Jensen. Needs him more than air, needs him more than he has ever needed anything. He loves Jensen. Jensen makes him feel. And that matters. That’s enough to calm the tempest of his mind enough that he knows what he has to do. If Jensen can’t see how much Jared loves him then Jared will have make him see. He lets his hand fall from the man’s throat and loosens his grip on his wrist but doesn’t let go. He ignores Jensen’s protests as he drags him with him, leaving him no choice but to follow where Jared takes them. When they reach his pickup truck he opens the door and pushes Jensen in. With a curt order to stay he slams the door and makes his way over to the driver’s side sliding in behind the wheel.

The drive is silent for a time with Jensen sitting rigid in his seat. Jared keeps going over the events that just transpired trying to make sense of them. When he does speak up Jensen’s voice is soft and cautious, “Jared?” 

“What?” he snaps causing Jensen to flinch visibly and the silence that follows is enough to make Jared wonder if Jensen is going to speak. 

“Where are we going?”

“Home. We’re going home.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm back. Let my start by saying I'm very sorry it's taken me so long to update this story. I've tried to think of a good way to explain why this story was abandoned without warning. And the truth is a lots happened in my real life recently, some of it good, a lot of it not so good. The short version is that 2017 was a rough year for me, and ended in the hospital with a life threatening illness. None of this is a good enough excuse for leaving this story as it was for as long as I did. I have discovered that writing WIP isn't a good idea for me. From now I'm going to make sure I have a story either completely finished or mostly finished before I start writing, to ensure I don't do something like this again. But, I WILL be updating this story more often. I was trying to only start a new chapter when I switched POVs. But going forward I'm going to start posting chapters around 1,000 words, and switching POV every few chapters. This will ensure I'll be able to update at least once a week. I'll try to get the next update ready to be posted in the next few days.
> 
> Thank you for everyone who has stuck with me this long, and again, I am very sorry for the unreasonably long wait! I hope everyone enjoys the story going forward, and if you have any questions, feel free to leave me a comment. :)

Jensen tried to focus on the song playing on the radio as he tried to calm his racing thoughts.  His heart was still beating painfully fast.  Breathe.  Just breathe.  He focused on breathing.  Anything to distract him from was happening.  This couldn’t be happening.  It just couldn’t.  It was like he was trapped in one of his books.  He felt detached, as if this was happening to someone else.  But it was real.  Too real.  Jared was his stalker.  _Jared_ was his stalker. 

How did he miss the signs?  How the Hell could he have been so blind to what was happening?  Jared had seemed so _normal_ _._ He had seemed so normal and kind and loving.  And yet all the while he had been hiding some dark depraved side of himself.   By his own admission he had been obsessed with Jensen, stalking him, getting to know him.  And now Jared had fucking kidnapped him, taking to God knows where.  The pieces start to fall into place and he starts to see everything that happened between them in a different light.  He thinks about that night that he had been grabbed, the fear he had felt, then going to Jared for protection.  How had he been so stupid?  Jared knew things he shouldn’t have known.  He knew that Jensen was a writer, and sometimes he would just know something that Jensen hadn’t remembered telling him.  The pieces were falling into place now. 

Jared had said that he wanted to know everything about Jensen.  He had said that he would always be there for Jensen.  Suddenly his time spent with Jared took on a darker light, every favorable memory he had with him, every time he had felt safe with Jared, every conversation they had had become twisted and ugly now knowing what he knew.  His eyes burned with unshed tears.  He had been falling for Jared, and now that man he thought he knew, he thought he loved, was gone forever.  It was like the Jared he knew had been killed, replaced by a monster.  The most insidious part was how subtle it had all been.  They had been together for weeks, spending every day together.  Jared had been there all the time, pretending to be Jensen’s friend, pretending to be something more.  He had been kind and caring, showing Jensen an easy affection that he didn’t believe he deserved.  He had thought he would lose Jared in the end, he had been certain that Jared couldn’t really love him.  Not in his wildest dreams had he expected _this_ to happen.  He didn’t understand it.  How had he not seen it coming?  How had he not sense something was wrong with the man he thought he loved?  Wasn’t that the way it was supposed to be?  There should have been something, some sign that would have made him feel a deep down sense of unease.  There should have been something to make him know that there was something off about Jared.  But even now, he couldn’t think of anything that would given Jared away for what he really was.  Like a predator in waiting Jared had hidden in plain sight, giving Jensen no sense of the danger he was in until it was too late.

They had driven on in silence for a time, Jensen can’t be sure how long.  It feels like a lifetime ago since they were in the park, and everything was going so well.  Before his world had shattered and reformed into something darker.  Fear still clawed at him as he was helpless to do anything but wait.  Wait to see where they were going, see what Jared planning.  After Jared’s announcement that they were going “home,” whatever the hell that meant, there had been silence stretching out between them.  Jared didn’t speak again and Jensen had been too afraid to ask any more questions.  The only sound that of his own heart racing, pounding a steady rhythm drowning out any other sounds.  When Jared had finally turned the radio on it had been a relief, anything to distract from the silence seemed a mercy now.

Maybe he was wrong.  Maybe this wasn’t a game to Jared.  He had actually sounded genuinely offended when Jensen had said that Jared was playing with him, that Jared had only been pretending to care about him.  He no longer trusted himself or his judgment when it came to Jared.  But it did give him a glimmer of hope.  Images of all the horrible things that could happen to him began to slip away.  Maybe Jared was a psychopath, but it was possible that he wasn’t doing this because he got off on mind games and hurting people.  It was possible that Jared actually believed what he had said – that his apparent obsession was because he loved Jensen.  That wasn’t good exactly, but it was better than the alternative.

Breathe.  Just breathe.  He just needed to keep breathing.  He was trapped, his thoughts were racing and he felt like the walls were closing in.  He was having a panic attack.  Breathe.  Just breathe through it.  He tried to clear his thoughts and push down the growing panic.  He didn’t know how long they had been driving.  Each moment felt like it stretched on and on.  They had been sitting in icy silence since…since Jared had abducted him.  This wasn’t happening.  This couldn’t be happening to him.  These things didn’t happen in real life.  Stalkers and sociopaths and abductions, that was the stuff of fiction, the sensationalized plots of his novels.  It didn’t really happen in real life.  Only it was happening, to him.

“Jared, I’m sorry….” He was met with silence, but forged on anyway, “You caught me off guard, that’s all.  This…connecting with people, it’s not something I usually do.  Hell, I rarely even talk to anyone.  My life pretty much revolves around shutting people out.  My therapist says it’s because I’m afraid of getting hurt.  But that’s not really the problem.  I can handle getting hurt.  I’ve been through enough, I know how to handle pain.  It’s just that I don’t really think I deserve this.  I don’t think I deserve to be with someone.  I don’t really think I can function in a relationship, I can’t really see anyone actually wanting to be around me.  Not when they get to know me.  I guess what you said kind of freaked me out.  I don’t deserve that kind of devotion.  These last few weeks, I have really started to care for you, Jared.  But then you were talking like I’m something significant, and I can’t, I just can’t believe that.  So I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did.  I’m really sorry.”  It wasn’t a lie, he really was sorry for the way he had acted.  If he had reacted differently there was a chance he could be back in the safety of his apartment right now.  He held his breath waiting for a response.  He really hated this, he couldn’t judge the way Jared had reacted to his words.  Devoid of his sight he couldn’t use visual cues to determine how Jared had taken his words, or if he was still angry.  Until Jared actually said something he had no way of knowing how his apology had been taken.

When he felt the warm touch of Jared’s hand against his shoulder he jumped from the unexpected contact.  But when pain didn’t follow he relaxed a little.

“I’m sorry too.  I overreacted.  This is new to me too, and I don’t exactly tell people about my problem.  I guess I wanted to be honest with you, so there wouldn’t be anything between us moving forward.  But I should have gone slower and tried harder to be understanding.  It’s not really fair for me to get upset if you don’t react the way I wanted you to.  I want you to be honest with me, and if I get upset like that then you will hardly feel comfortable telling me how you really feel.”  Jensen felt some of the tension leave him.  He was still terrified, but he didn’t seem to be in immediate danger.  “I guess we’re perfect together, we’re both all kinds of fucked up.”  Jared’s tone was light, like this was something else they had in common.  Jensen stayed silent not trusting himself to say anything further, now that Jared was appeased, at least for the time being.

After that Jared turned on the radio and started singing along to what was playing.  Jensen did his best to concentrate on the feel of the truck moving and the song on the radio.  He tried not to let the panic consume him once more.

Jensen didn’t know what Jared had meant that they were going “home” and he was too afraid to ask.  He stayed quiet for the rest of the drive.  When the truck came to a halt the bottom dropped out of his stomach.  He wished he knew how much time had passed, wished he could see where they were going.  How was he ever going to get back if he had no idea where he was?


End file.
